All The Wrong Patronuses
by ferdinanda
Summary: The last Chapter's up! :D (It's the best yet, give it a try!) Harry wakes up with something unexpected in his bed: the consequences of last night's party. Ron and Neville, to his horror, remember much of what happened. A confusing DA meeting, hangover, and love trouble await that day. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Harry woke up with a big headache, not sure where he was. He looked around and saw his bed, another bed nearby with a snoring Ron on top, the deep red rug of the boy's dormitory. It was all blurry; he felt around with his hand on his bedside table for his glasses and put them on. Things didn't improve much, there was a red glaze over everything he saw. He took off his glasses and examined them. Someone had written over the lenses with red lipstick.

"The boy," said one of the lenses, and spelled out clearly in the other one "who licked."

Harry threw the glasses on the bed and grasped his throbbing head. It felt as if a hundred cornish pixies holding tiny metal hammers were working away inside his skull. He stood up and walked over to Ron's bed. Looking around he saw that Neville lay in his own bed, a floppy rainbow-colored clown wig on his head. Ron didn't look much better. He wore nothing but his underwear, and someone had Incendio-ed off his eyebrows. Harry looked out the window and saw the sun already high in the sky. He figured the other boys must be out enjoying the Sunday afternoon because they were the only students in the dormitory.

"Umm.. Ron?" Usually, Harry would not wake up his friend but he was getting a little weirded out by everything. He remembered going to The Three Broomsticks with a few of the members of Dumbledore's Army and drinking butterbeer to celebrate yet another successful practice day without any Umbridge interruption. He remembered the twins, Fred and George, getting more and more drinks for everyone. He remembered coming back late with everyone laughing and carrying a secret stash of some dark green bottles they had bought at the Hog's Head.

He also remembered slipping quietly in the night into the Room of Requirement, with everyone whispering and giggling and a slim arm around his waist. The room had suddenly turned itself into the perfect hang-out place. There were every-flavor-bean bags, a record player blasting out the Weird Sisters, a low table with colorful cup and bottles with fizzy liquids, and a number of party hats and props. Suspended in the air hung many glass spheres, each one holding a small flame of a different color, which flickered and danced throwing purple and orange and red lights around the room. Harry remembered going in as his heart pumped fast, a girl laughing in his ear, blurry dancing, and then later, darkness.

Harry shook Ron's shoulder. Ron sat upright in a second, as if he had received a shock. "Take your hands off my Gobstones!" he yelled out.

"I would never dare," Harry answered, confused.

"What are you two doing?" Harry heard Neville groan. "I'm trying to sleep."

"Can any of you tell me what happened last night?" Harry looked from one of his friends to the other as he wiped his glasses on his shirt. "We obviously got carried away," he said.

"The party!" Neville said, waking up as suddenly as Ron. His hand went up to his head, feeling the wig. He pulled a lock of it down towards his face and squinted his eyes at the piece of neon green hair. Neville looked at it with a blank face before bursting into laughter. "Harry, you were so drunk you started dancing on top of the table singing about how sexy Professor McGonagall's eyes are. You're lucky Cho wasn't there."

"I did WHAT?!" Harry said.

"Oh yeah, I remember that! But you're not lucky Colin Creevey was there. I think he took pictures." Ron laughed as loudly as Neville. "No wonder you're getting on well in Transfiguration."

"Laugh all you want, Ron. Something I do recall is you taking your brothers' dare and stripping down to your underwear. You threw all your clothes at Hermione! All she did was get very red, say 'Ron Weasley,' and walk away."

Ron's laughter stopped at once. He looked a bit pale.

"But then I must have passed out." Harry added. "I can't recall anything else. Can either of you?"

"Yesterday during our usual trip to Hogsmeade, the three of us, Hermione, the twins, Ginny, Luna, Colin, Romilda and Lavender said we would have a small celebration since our DA meetings have been going so well. We went to the Three Broomsticks." Neville said. "We were having a round of drinks when Fred suggested we do a pub crawl. Hermione protested saying there were only two pubs in Hogsmeade, but Fred dismissed her."

"Yeah," said Ron. " 'Let us not go gentle into the good night,' he said to Hermione. 'We must rage, rage against the dying of the light.' " Harry snickered. "She grumbled, but she still joined. We drank as many butterbeers in The Three Broomsticks as they would serve us and when they threw us out, we walked to The Hog's Head."

"Yes, as far as then, my memory's not so bad." Harry said, sitting next to Ron.

"I must have been a bit drunk by then," Neville admitted. "I remember stumbling somewhere, but nothing specific. I must have had loads of butterbeer. My gran would kill me if she found out."

"Neville," Harry said. "I had to lean you on my shoulder and help you limp all the way to the The Hog's Head."

"Thanks, mate," Neville said.

"Neville," Harry added. "I had to help you use the bathroom. You couldn't manage to pull down your trousers."

"Thanks, Harry," Neville said, his head falling to his chest.

"Neville," Harry continued. "While I tried to help you, you slapped my hands and called me a dirty, muggle-born, wandless banshee."

"Okay, Harry," Neville said, sounding annoyed. "I said I was grateful."

"But Neville," Harry said again. "You only drank a single glass of pumpkin juice."

"I'm a light drinker!" Neville retorted. "And it was quite a large glass. Anyway, how did I get this wig on my head."

"Oh, that," Ron said, suddenly hiding his wand under the pillow. "That's not a wig."


	2. Chapter 2

"What do you mean?" Neville said, grasping the neon green hair with both hands and pulling hard. What Harry had thought was a wig, remained attached to Neville's head. Neville got out of his bed running and disappeared into the bathroom. He came later, with his bushy hair dripping water all over his bedclothes. "What am I going to do?" he cried. "It won't wash off. Snape won't let me hear the end of it."

Harry noticed how twitchy Ron was acting. "So Ron, who do you think was the cruel and dastardly soul that has done this to our Neville?"

"All right, Neville," said Ron with a sigh. "I'm sorry, I did that to you. But I was only trying to help!" he quickly added when Neville stalked across the room to stand near Ron, fuming. "I remember you said you didn't feel so comfortable with the ladies - and you have to remember, I was already a bit woozy myself - when I suggested you get a full head of Weasley hair, since I think all the girls secretly like it. Well, I used an incantation I've heard before to change your hair color and length and well, that's how it happened."

Hearing this, Harry suddenly remembered the scene. Neville and Ron sitting in adjacent all-flavor-bean bags. Neville complaining, and Ron standing up to bump his chest like a gorilla. Harry had seen Ron lead Neville to a corner. What both of them had failed to notice was George tip-toeing right behind them with a glass of the drink they had gotten at the Hog's Head. When Ron raised his wand over his shoulder, George had lifted his glass so the wand's tip would be dipped in it and tip-toed back. Ron flashed the spell, Neville's hair had changed to a green afro and Ron burst out laughing. When Ron had shown Neville with a mirror, Neville had looked like he was about to implode with rage and had lifted his own wand against Ron. In a second Ron's eyebrows had burst into fire and disappeared. They both looked into the mirror together and burst out laughing with their arms around each other. Later they ended up whizzing in a heap until they were both drunkenly asleep.

"Yes," said Harry. "I remember now, that's exactly what happened. But you mustn't blame Ron, Neville, you asked him to do it." Harry lied to cover George, he wanted to keep on the resourceful twin's good side.

"That pumpkin juice must have been very strong," Neville said.

After getting dressed, and in Neville's case this meant wearing a big wizard's hat, they descended into the Common Room. Hermione and Ginny were sitting in one of the couches, going over a book, and Romilda sat in one of the chairs. She combed her hair with her fingers and her eyes looked far away. The twins were at a table using business voices seeming to go over another plan for a prank invention. When the boys came in, everyone stopped what they were doing and stared.

Hermione grasped the book she was reading closer to her face, which went very red, and flipping pages as if her life depended on it. Ginny looked from Ron to Hermione and back and cleared her throat, stifling a laugh. Romilda, noticing Harry, stood up, walked up to him and with her nose almost touching his gave him a mysterious grin and slipped something into his hand before going up to the girl's room. Ginny rolled her eyes. Harry couldn't tell whether Fred and George were winking theirs at him incessantly or having an eye seizure.

"The heartbreakers are finally up!" George said. "Good morning to you!"

"Welcome, masters of seduction," Fred joined in.

"I'm sure I have you to thank for everything," Harry said smiling at them. He knew it was pointless to pick a fight with Fred and George, he might find his underwear raised like a flag in front of Snape's office if he tried.

"Yes, you have to thank us," George said. "We were the ones who got the good drinks in the end at the Hog's Head. Everyone else was too chicken." Harry remembered now. Hermione hyperventilating and saying they should just leave. They had waited outside for Fred and George until the two appeared stumbling out of the Hog's Head carrying a green bottle each. The bottles had a glass dragon's tail wrapped around the body and the mouth of the bottles was glass shaped like a dragon's open mouth. "Dragon's Breath," Harry saw a flashback in his mind of the yellowing label with black lettering.

"You two had us all make a toast with that horrible Dragon's Breath!" Harry said. "No wonder my head hurts."

"Oh, don't start. You all enjoyed it," George answered. "Even Hermione was swaying around. Do you remember? She said she was carefree and tore a page off her History of Magic book to prove it!"

"Yeah, but she was later crying over it in the Room of Requirement and asking the book to forgive her." Fred noted. Hermione seemed unable to listen to any more of the conversation. She stormed out of the room with a last ferocious look at Ron, who cringed.

"By the way, that look fits you very well, Neville," Fred said. "You look like the transvestite offspring of Gilderoy Lockhart and a mermaid." Harry heard Neville groan. "I see Romilda is in a very good mood today. Don't you think so, Harry?"

"If she is," Harry said. "I have no idea why." Both twins looked at each other, a synchronized wide smile spread across their faces.

"Well let's just say you saved her the last dance, Harry," George said. "You grabbed her and spun her around the room like a sexy sneakoscope until she got so dizzy she fell in your arms. Then both of you conveniently walked out of the room of requirement."

"Oh, no," Harry said. "Where did we go?"

"You might have mentioned where," Fred said looking down to check his fingernails. "All you did was ran back into the room, while she waited for you outside, grab your wand, a fizzy bottle and one of those flaming glass orbs and ran back out."

"My wand?" Harry realized he hadn't been holding his wand this whole time. He dashed back to the boys' dormitory and came down a minute later. He grasped his head once again. "This day just keeps getting better and better," he said. "I think I've lost my wand."

The whole conversation seemed to make Ginny very sleepy because she stood up to leave, yawning. "I think I need a nap," she said, staring at the floor as she left. "See you all later at the DA meeting."

"I hope I didn't give the wrong impression to Romilda." Harry said. "Anyway, did the party continue long after I left?"

"Hmm," George said. "I was hoping you wouldn't ask that. The few of us who didn't faint like twits after one shot of the Dragon's Breath were still dancing to the Weird Sisters when something horrible happened..."

"I wish I could wash it off my brain!" Fred whined. "See, the music suddenly changed. It became this weird bass intro and then some weird man started saying 'Ice, Ice, baby…' We all looked back and guess what we saw? None other than Dumbledore making fists in front of himself and pumping them up and down against each other!"

" 'Don't you just love muggle music and dancing?'" George said in a mock-Dumbledore voice. "What a loon! Luckily he was done just then. We waved his wand around, cleaning the whole room except for the Dragon's Breath which he confiscated. He told us he would let it pass this once, but that we were to go to bed at once.

"So no one knows where my wand might be…" Harry said with a sigh.

"Nope," the twins said in unison. "Good luck!"


	3. Chapter 3

Harry spent an hour looking for his wand with no results. He looked over and under his bed and all over the Gryffindor Tower. It was nowhere to be seen.

"I'm sure you'll find it soon," Hermione tried to comfort him while they had a small lunch at the Great Hall, where Professor McGonagall was surprised to see some of the Gryffindors had lost their appetite.

"You children always eat so much!" she told them as she passed their table. Harry suddenly looked very interested in a Daily Prophet someone had left on the table. He didn't dare meet McGonagall's eyes in case it turned out he did really fine them nice.

"I _am_ really sorry about your wand, Harry," Hermione said, "but maybe you should be more careful next time." Harry gave her a look so furious that she dived into her book at once. One of the pages stuck out at a weird angle. Harry couldn't help but smile then; this was the page that Hermione must have ripped in an outburst of drunken rebellion.

"It's time to go to the DA meeting, anyway." Ron said. He had earlier run out of the bathroom screaming when he had noticed his eyebrows were missing wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist and shaving cream spread like a beard across his face. Hermione had used a spell to help him grow his eyebrows as long as he would go away and get some clothes on.

Once in the room of requirement Harry saw that he wasn't the only one feeling bad. All the people who had taken part in the two-pub crawl, except Fred and George, had bloodshot eyes, sleepy looking faces and walked about shuffling their feet as if unsure that the floor wouldn't suddenly vanish under them. Lavender hadn't even combed her hair. She just stood leaning against the wall staring off into space. Romilda sat at Lavender's feet, filing her nails. But for looking tired, she also seemed to have come out unscathed. Luna came over to say hello, swaying about like a boat at high sea.

She and Colin Creevey, who stood nearby with puppy eyes – insane puppy eyes, Harry thought - waited for Harry to begin the meeting. Even though they had drunk the day before, they were still hopping up and down like Bouncing Bulbs every time they hiccuped.

"Hi _hic_ Har _hic_ Harry," Colin said. "Thanks _hic_ for take _hic_ taking me on _hic_ the party yes _hic_ terday."

"We are ready to _hic_ begin when _hic_ whenever you are Harry _hic_," Luna said.

"Luna, Colin has been hiccuping since last night," Ron said "but when did you start?"

"Oh!" Luna said. "I thought it was a thing we were all doing... Okay, I'll just go over there to wait for our lesson to start." Harry watched her sway towards the center of the room while he and Ron shared a confused look.

Harry cleared his throat as loud as he could and everyone gathered in the middle of the room. He didn't want to raise his voice as his head still throbbed, hurting as if a tiny Womping Willow were doing the YMCA dance inside it.

"Hello everyone," he announced. "I can't show you much new today because I've misplaced my wand." He heard all of them gasp and shift about their places uncomfortably. "Don't worry, I'm sure I'll find it soon. I must have put it somewhere last night and I can't remember now."

"You wandless banshee!" He heard someone yell in a deep voice from the back of the group.

"George, that's not funny..." He heard Hermione say. He sighed.

"All right everyone, how about you all practice your Patronus spell. I can walk around the room watching everyone and giving you tips if you need them. Remember, think of a happy memory and then cast the spell."

"I have a few happy memories," Romilda whispered without taking her eyes away from Harry, a small smile curving the corners of her lips.

"Ahem, yes, that's great everyone, get practicing!"

Harry walked about checking everyone's Patronus and keeping an eye out for his wand. When he passed Lavender, he saw that she was having trouble with the spell. Little bursts of smoke spat out of her wand, but nothing concrete formed.

"I'm just really tired." She explained to Harry. Before Harry turned around to leave she closed her eyes in concentration and it seemed that she managed to make a full Patronus, until Harry looked at it. Harry saw a limp, flat, long thing suspended in mid-air.

"Is that a dirty sock?"

"I said I was tired!"

"All right, all right, just go sit down and rest," Harry said walking towards Ron.

Ron wasn't having much luck either. He had managed to cast a Patronus, but it looked like a lump of melted rubber.

"I think it's a deflated bludger." Ron said. "You did say Patronus is a difficult spell, didn't you, Har- _Is that a walnut?_" Ron started laughing while pointing towards Luna, whose Patronus was a small round walnut rolling about the floor.

"Oh, that's very useful!" Luna said. She tried to pick up the walnut, but it dissolved in her fingers like smoke.

"It must be that we've not completely recovered after last night," Nevile said. He had conjured something long and striped. "I'm very sleepy and very hungry."

"And bacon is the only thing you can think about?" Harry said shaking his head. He then noticed a left over all-flavor-bean bag chair. He dashed towards it and buried his face beneath it tin order to search for his wand.

"Stop laughing!" Harry heard someone yell out from the other end of the room. "You couldn't cast it either, you dim squib."

"Me? You be quiet!" Answered another voice. "You... You... Your mom is so fat she got sorted into all four houses!"

"What?! Mom jokes, is it?" said the first voice. "Well, yours is even more enormous. She is so fat it takes three Polijuice Potions to become her!"

"Umm," said a third voice, "you guys have the same mother."

Harry's head came out of from under the bean bag. He saw Ron standing at the far end between Fred and George trying to stop a fight.

"Oh, yes!" one of the twins said jumping towards the other to hug him. "A wonderful lady she is!"

"Not chubby," said his twin brother. "But a bit on the grumpy side- What the heck is that?" George yelled. Everyone turned to look at Hermione. Two balls floated in front of her, bouncing up and down.

"My gobstones!" Ron said. "I was playing with them here yesterday, remember?" Everyone began to laugh, even Harry, who was not in the best of moods. Although she looked a bit confused, Luna had to catch her breath from laughing so much.

"My dad has a set of Gobstones, but these look funnier," she said between high-pitched giggles. Hermione groaned, covered her face with her hands and ran to join Lavender in a corner.

Indeed, it seemed that all of the people who had gone on the pub crawl the previous day were incapable of performing the Patronus Charm. The other members of the DA, the ones who had not gone drinking were having no difficulties, at least no more than normal, in creating a full-blown Patronus.

"Look Harry! I think mine's coming out all right." Romilda's voice was whispery and soft, and she pronounced Harry's name as if she were savoring velvety chocolate. A wispy thread shot out of her wand concentrating in a blurry mass. They waited, but the shape stayed amorphous, like a little silver cloud turning within itself. A sound came out of it, like Peeves blowing a raspberry.

"Romilda," Ginny said. "You just conjured a fart."

"It's a Smelto Patronum!" Fred said. "Anywhoo, I can't brag because mine's just a dirty mop." Harry saw a tangled mass in the middle of which he thought he discerned a familiar smile.

"Umm, Fred, I'm pretty sure that's Hagrid's beard." Harry said waving his hand in the air to dissolve the beard.

"Is that what mine is, too?" George asked. George's Patronus looked similar to Fred's, but there was no smile, and it formed two wide lumps.

"No, brother, that must be Hagrid's butt."

"At least we made living creatures!" Ginny added. She pointed to herself and Colin Creevey. At their feet a scrawny, wimpy looking, molted chick was eating a thin earthworm.

"Hey, my wormy!" Colin Creevey whined.

"This is a distaster," Harry said, slumping to the floor. "I think we'll finish early for today. We all need a rest."

They all shuffled out of the room mumbling. Romilda winked at Harry before she followed the rest out. Harry was too disgruntled to take notice.

Harry waited for everyone to leave before he stepped out of the room. As he crossed the doorway and shut the door behind him, a flashback came to him. The night before he had closed the door in the same way, except he had been laughing and Romilda has been by his side. They had been on their way to the Prefect's Bathroom. _That's it! _Harry thought. _The Prefect's Bathroom!_

He ran to catch up to Ron, who as a Prefect knew the password to the Prefect's Bathroom.

"I already told you yesterday mate, and I might get into-"

"I think my wand might be there," Harry said, realizing how he had gotten inside the night before.

"All right Harry, but don't take too long," Ron answered and told Harry the password. Repeating the word in his head, Harry then ran as fast as he could to the bathroom, where he blurted the password to the door with a gasp of breath and waited anxiously for it to open.

Inside, the bathroom was empty, and but for a trickle of water coming out of a sink, silent. Harry walked around the bathtub. He remembered climbing into it only the year before, submerging a golden egg, and hearing the mermaids' song. There, at the other side of it, lay his wand like a fallen twig.

Harry picked it up and was about to raise it to his lips to kiss it, when a high voice came from behind a stall.

"Harry Potter, you kiss girls and now you kiss sticks. Would you also like to kiss a ghost?" Moaning Myrtle flew at Harry through the door, stopping only inches from his face.

"Oh. Hi, Myrtle," He said. "What do you mean?"

"Yesterday you came here with that ditzy brunette and you both were so mushy and so noisy, I couldn't even think to myself! She tried to kiss you and take off your clothes, but you were so drunk you just laughed and kept falling on top of her. Silly boy..."

"I did what? Who was I with Myrtle?"

"That silly girl, who looked like she wanted to swallow you up. In the end she gave up, but hovered about you for a minute before leaving. You took a nap there, like a Petrified baby and somehow managed to wake up and stumble out a couple of hours later."

"And that's how I must have forgotten my wand!" Harry said. "I'm glad it stayed safe in here," Harry did kiss it then and after began to put it inside his pocket. When his hand reached the inside of his pocket, he felt a small paper there. He took it out. It was the thing Romilda had slipped into his hand earlier in the Gryffindor common room. He felt his headache get stronger as he read the note.

"Myrtle, do you know what time it might be?"

"Hmm. I can see the moon through the window. It's just beginning to rise. I think that means about six in the evening to you. Silly mortals," She said shrugging her shoulders. "I think I've been bored enough, goodbye Harry." She began to glide away towards the stall.

"Myrtle, do you mind sticking around and acting like a real ghost for once ?Can you spook someone into scampering out of here?"

"Who?" Myrtle said raising her eyebrows at him. Harry opened his hand and showed her the note he held in it. A message was written in it, in the same shade of red lipstick Harry had found on his glasses earlier that day.

"Let's finish what we started," it said. "Same place at six?" A slanted _Romilda _finished the note.

Myrtle looked up at Harry. She grinned, showing pale transparent teeth and gave him a nod. Harry slipped into the nearest stall and watched Myrtle through the space near the door. The main door to the Prefect's Bathroom began to creak open.

"Haaarryyyy," sang the soft voice behind it.

Moaning Myrtle uttered a deep sound, like the sound the surface of a lake might make if it was boiling. A thick, green slime began to drip from her arms and hands. When Romilda came in, Myrtle shot jets of the slime at her. Romilda screamed, thick ooze now covering her hair, face and clothes. She glared at Myrtle before stomping out of the room.

"I suppose it _was_ time I acted like a real ghost," Myrtle laughed.

Harry smiled at her. He thanked her before leaving the Prefect's Bathroom, promising himself that he would never, ever drink Dragon's Breath again.

_Well, if I do, maybe next time we can invite Cho, _he thought.


End file.
